Socialization is not a priority for me.
Friendships are. I hope that my childrens' education teaches them how to be good friends. I hope that they learn to be honest, to be loving listeners, to be kind, and to stand with integrity.
Kids can certainly learn these things in a traditional school setting, but the academic social priority seems to be teaching them
how to behave in school
. ("Oddly enough," says
, "our kids seem to do just fine with sitting in a classroom or standing in line or being quiet when the need arises. These don't tend to be skill that take 13 years to acquire.") As John Taylor Gatto puts it, "school is about learning to wait your turn, however long it takes to come, if ever. And how to submit with a show of enthusiasm, to the judgement of strangers, even if they are wrong, even if your enthusiasm is phony."
Then I hear stories about lunchtime ... how public "students are not allowed to talk to each other ... there isn't time, because they only have 17 minutes to eat ... and there's a giant gauge on the wall that measures the noise level, and when the arrow points to the red zone, then the whole cafeteria has to eat with their heads down." I'm not even kidding ... a first grader told me that. Or I hear how when they are walking to class, they march in a line with their arms folded and aren't allowed to talk or smile (true story). How they can't ride the bus, because it's too dangerous, and the 4th-graders are dealing meth in the back seat (true story). Maybe public schools teach social skills in the classroom during all those hours you're sitting in a room with your same-age peers--except you have to raise your hand to speak, and even then, you're speaking to the dictator at the front of the room.
I'll be the first to admit that there's a whole other side to the argument (isn't that why homeschoolers are so defensive on this issue?). I once warned a friend that if she took her kids out of school, they
be weird. "Yes, but they'll be weird like us!" True, true. Not only will they be weird, but they will be statistically more likely to sass their parents! (Why am I doing this again? ...) For public students there are some
teachers and parents who really do teach children how to have beautiful friendships, and who model how to be honest, and loving listeners, and to be kind, and to stand with integrity. They let students have discussions, and there is time for school to be a laboratory of social studies.
Probably there are more wonderful teachers and classrooms and social experiences than negative ones.
I just wondered, hey, could I teach these things just as well at home? As with math, can we use our freedom to learn social skills more efficiently, or perhaps more creatively?
Here's what I list in my
under the subject "Friendship":
"Friendship. See also: Playtime, Co-op, Art Academy, Pottery, Gymnastics, Early Childhood Development, Chores, Field Trips, Nature Studies, Fledgling Fun, Ethics, Soccer, Library Storytime, Cousin Reports, Letter Writing, Cooking, and Viola"
I am reminding myself that our lives are full of friendship-building activities. We arrange playdates with other people, of all types. My kids are homework-free, which means they are ready to play and out the door the moment "the School Kids" get home. They spend many, many hours with the wonderful kids in our neighborhood.
We also get together with homeschool kids, who are available during the day. One of my favorite years in school when I was a kid was the one where my family (we had 7 children) paired up with another family who had 9 children (or was it 10? :) whose ages generally lined up with ours in pairs. I had a best friend, and we got together nearly every day and giggled through our work. Our moms took turns giving amazing lessons (medieval feasts and charleston dances, and the like), and there were plenty of childhood politics to pick up on during unstructured play.
We try to spend one day a week participating in a Co-op, where students learn in a group dynamic, and compare teaching styles, and form friendships that last a lifetime.
My kids make friends in their community-based classes; in
classes, and science classes.
They (or at least my two eldest) get to learn how to care for and teach a younger sibling, and have distinct responsibilities which will leave them better prepared for babysitting later, and dating, and their own future family life. (I need to make sure my youngest gets similar training ... anyone know how to hire a baby to come stay with us?)
Siblings love each other the most and also fight to the death, so practicing social skills on one another prepares us for future positive relationships and negative ones. Having been homeschooled till 10th grade, I was never picked on in the playground--but I've definitely been punched in the face :)
We learn to work together; there's no custodian at our school, only a family sharing the load. We love doing service projects with other homeschoolers (park clean-up, care center visits, water conservation, etc.) and would love to be involved in more of these activities that help us contribute and feel less self-absorbed.
We frequently meet with other families for
, nature studies, and presentations over the internet.
We spend time as a family each week studying
together, a practice we hope to expand.
At viola lessons, my kids are learning how to show respect and follow instructions from their teacher, even when the work is hard. They get a thrill when he plays alongside them--a prequel to playing socially in an orchestra.
regularly, just to make little friends and gain exposure to circle-time.
to old friends and cook for new ones.
My secret hope is that by spending time together, their siblings will be the ones with whom they are the most honest, and the most loving, and the most kind. And maybe, for a little longer anyway than otherwise, I'll get to be their bestest friend.